Novelty “French Battle Flag”

 

Note to humorless Ebay officials:  This is a REAL item for sale, not a joke.  You removed this listing in the past by claiming it was a joke.  I have moved it from the Cultural Items category to the Weird Items category so it is now properly displayed.  The items below are SATIRE and not meant to represent historical fact is all cases…

 

Will be similar to the picture when shipped.  Comes with a nicely printed “complete History of the French Military” as detailed below….

 

- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

 

 - Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

 

 - Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

 

 - Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

 

 - Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

 

 - War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

 

 - The Dutch War - Tied

 

 - War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

 

 - War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

 

 - American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

 

 - French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

 

 - The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First

Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

 

 - The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

 

 - World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any "improvement" in the French bloodline.

 

 - World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

 

 - War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

 

 - Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

 

 - Greenpeace – Won.  The sinking of a Greenpeace barge by the French Navy marks the first major win for France on the seas.  This overindulgence prompts France to send her only aircraft carrier into combat against a pack of Cub Scouts on a fishing trip.  The French immediately surrender when one Cub Scout proudly displays the spoon from his swiss-army knife, thereby demonstrating military superiority over the French fleet.

 

 - War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

 

 The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

 

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 "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

 

 

 

 

 

Winning bidder to pay shipping of $10.00 via USPS 2-3 day Priority mail.  Alternately, you may email me for shipping rates for UPS next day or 2 day delivery (you MUST do this if you are outside the USA).  Insurance is optional – please enclose an additional $10 if you want it.  Please Note:  I cannot ship to countries outside the USA via USPS.  This includes Canada.   If you are not in the USA, you will have to email me for shipping rates via UPS before bidding please.

 

 

Happy Bidding!  J